A Post-Christmas Poem (Please, don’t try this at home!)

(With my annual apologies to both Clement Clarke Moore and the good Dr. Seuss, of course.)

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the Valley,
The kids were wiped out, every Jeong, Anoosh and Sally;
The gift cards were stacked and the best sales scoped out,
The mall rats were scurrying and hurrying about.

Returns were returned and exchanges exchanged,
The markdowns were posted, loss leaders arranged;
The retailers hoped they could salvage their season,
And entice burned out buyers with price as the reason.

But all the non-shoppers were home in seclusion,
So glad to be done with the noise and confusion;
Yesterday’s paper and ribbons and bows,
Were stuffed into trashcans ‘til they overflowed.

The last of the cookies and candy and fudge
Were quickly consumed, we’re all too stuffed to budge;
With Christmas feasts eaten and appetites sated,
Diets were planned, best intentions were stated

The weather warmed up as it too often does,
Away went the scarves and the sweaters and gloves;
Out came the flip flops and t-shirts and sunscreen,
A white Christmas here is depressingly green.

A tired old St. Nick was now back at the pole,
Another tough season had taken its toll;
With more aches and pains than at this time last year,
He needed a rest and hot toddy or beer.

To make matter worse the elves wanted a raise,
And health care and pensions and 401(k)s;
But the last thing he needed when push came to shove,
Was trying to navigate Healthcare.gov.

Yet in spite of exhaustion he still had to smile,
And he hummed and he chuckled in Santa Claus style;
What caused him to shout “Yippee!” “Woo hoo!” and “Zowie!”?
He had reservations for two at a condo in Maui.

So he loaded his sleigh up with he and the Mrs.
And waved to the elves and blew all of them kisses;
Then away they did soar toward the warm South Pacific
For a week’s R&R that would be so terrific.

He longed to forget the past year’s toils and troubles,
Political scandals and real estate bubbles;
The daily bombardment of glamour and glitter,
Of YouTube and Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

The Affordable Care Act and government shutdowns,
Twerking, Black Friday and Internet putdowns;
Posting and texting and selfies and tweeting,
It felt like his psyche had taken a beating;

But for now he was one of the jolliest fellas,
Daydreaming of drinks with those silly umbrellas;
And warm sandy beaches and air oh so tropic,
Mrs. Claus in a two-piece, now that would be epic!

When the lights of the islands appeared in the distance,
He banked to the south to escape wind resistance
Then I heard him exclaim as he nosed his sleigh down,
“Happy New Year to all and I’ll see you ‘round town!”

A Visit from Santa (Anas)

 (With my annual apologies to Clement Clarke Moore and a big, honkin’ “Thank you!” to So Cal Edison employees.)

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the Valley,

The shoppers were combing the stores, streets and alleys.

Looking for last minute bargains and buys,

Before they collapse with a whimper and sighs. 

Our kids had come home from their colleges far,

They were raiding the fridge and borrowing the car.

And me in my slippers and mom in her robe,

Were finding new patience to match that of Job.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

I burst through my screen door to see what was the matter.

The winds had returned and were blowing quite hard,

There were branches and tree limbs all over our yard.

The moon on the wreck of my neighbor’s wood fence

Let me know -- from the wind -- we would have no defense.

Our gardener had come only hours before,

He had mowed and had blowed ‘til he couldn’t do more.

Then from inside the house my dear wife, she did shout,

“Oh crud, not again … our dang power is out!

The lights have gone dark and the heater just quit,

My blow dryer’s dead, I’m so mad I could spit!”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a big snorkel truck that was loaded with gear.

With a no-nonsense driver, all frazzled and furry,

I said to myself, “This old guy’s in a hurry!”

More rapid than eagles, up our driveway he came,

He went right to work, never saying his name.

Checking our breakers and wiring and power,

That old guy was good, it was his finest hour.

A big coil of wire he had flung on his back,

And he looked like an angel with hope in his pack.

He was dressed all in denim and flannel and hardhat,

He worked fast with his tools, not once stopping to chat.

The end of a line he held tight in his teeth,

Transformer smoke encircled his head like a wreath.

His face it was weathered, his hands very calloused,

They worked wire cutters with such nimble prowess.

Then throwing a switch at the top of the pole,

He quickly climbed down and commenced to extol.

“That’s it, I’m all done, you can wipe off that frown,

You’ve got power again and the wind’s dying down.”

My wife was ecstatic, our fridge was back on!

We could once more leave lights on from dusk until dawn.

The meat in our freezer would not be thrown out,

The veggies and bread loaves and “fresh” frozen trout.

But who was our hero, I wanted to know?

This electrical wizard now packing to go.

I wanted to thank him with great gratitude,

To just let him leave would be terribly rude!

But when I walked over to give him our best,

He got back in his truck like an unwanted guest.

He started the engine and put it in gear,

Didn’t want any thanks, that was perfectly clear.

With a wave of his hand he bid us goodbye,

Drove away down our street with his headlights on high.

But I heard him exclaim with his window rolled down,

“Merry Christmas to all, and I’ll see you ‘round town!”

Note: This is a post of my column published yesterday, 12.22.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

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