A Post-Christmas Poem (Please, don’t try this at home!)

(With my annual apologies to both Clement Clarke Moore and the good Dr. Seuss, of course.)

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the Valley,
The kids were wiped out, every Jeong, Anoosh and Sally;
The gift cards were stacked and the best sales scoped out,
The mall rats were scurrying and hurrying about.

Returns were returned and exchanges exchanged,
The markdowns were posted, loss leaders arranged;
The retailers hoped they could salvage their season,
And entice burned out buyers with price as the reason.

But all the non-shoppers were home in seclusion,
So glad to be done with the noise and confusion;
Yesterday’s paper and ribbons and bows,
Were stuffed into trashcans ‘til they overflowed.

The last of the cookies and candy and fudge
Were quickly consumed, we’re all too stuffed to budge;
With Christmas feasts eaten and appetites sated,
Diets were planned, best intentions were stated

The weather warmed up as it too often does,
Away went the scarves and the sweaters and gloves;
Out came the flip flops and t-shirts and sunscreen,
A white Christmas here is depressingly green.

A tired old St. Nick was now back at the pole,
Another tough season had taken its toll;
With more aches and pains than at this time last year,
He needed a rest and hot toddy or beer.

To make matter worse the elves wanted a raise,
And health care and pensions and 401(k)s;
But the last thing he needed when push came to shove,
Was trying to navigate Healthcare.gov.

Yet in spite of exhaustion he still had to smile,
And he hummed and he chuckled in Santa Claus style;
What caused him to shout “Yippee!” “Woo hoo!” and “Zowie!”?
He had reservations for two at a condo in Maui.

So he loaded his sleigh up with he and the Mrs.
And waved to the elves and blew all of them kisses;
Then away they did soar toward the warm South Pacific
For a week’s R&R that would be so terrific.

He longed to forget the past year’s toils and troubles,
Political scandals and real estate bubbles;
The daily bombardment of glamour and glitter,
Of YouTube and Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

The Affordable Care Act and government shutdowns,
Twerking, Black Friday and Internet putdowns;
Posting and texting and selfies and tweeting,
It felt like his psyche had taken a beating;

But for now he was one of the jolliest fellas,
Daydreaming of drinks with those silly umbrellas;
And warm sandy beaches and air oh so tropic,
Mrs. Claus in a two-piece, now that would be epic!

When the lights of the islands appeared in the distance,
He banked to the south to escape wind resistance
Then I heard him exclaim as he nosed his sleigh down,
“Happy New Year to all and I’ll see you ‘round town!”