A Whale of an Expensive Day

Welcome back. Okay, where were we last week? ("Getting Soaked at SeaWorld" CV Weekly, 10/20/11) Oh, yes … outside the exit to SeaWorld’s Shipwreck Rapids ride discussing the $5-a-pop walk-in “drying stations.” It’s actually an ingenious set up – first you soak shivering riders to the bone, then offer them immediate relief, for a price.

You’ve gotta give the SeaWorld people credit (but I’m sure they’d take cash). Because they’ve done everything possible to make sure you don’t leave the park at the end of the day with even loose change in your pockets. For example, overlooking one point in the same Shipwreck Rapids ride, spectators can push a big button to spray the riders on the rapids below with water jets that increase the wet factor. Mischievous fun, right? Sure, but you pay for that privilege too, at 25-cents a spray. See what I mean?

Want to feed tiny dead anchovies to the seals or dolphins? Who wouldn’t. Just plunk down $6 for a paper tray holding five, count ‘em, five of the little fishies no bigger than your little finger. For the mathematically challenged, that’s $1.20 per slimy sea lion snack. Can you say insane profit margin, boys and girls? So where’s the “Occupy SeaWorld” movement?

As for people food, a SeaWorld food pass costs $30 per person and allows you to eat all you want throughout the park, but only at certain concession stands – not at all of the in-park restaurants – or at least that’s what I read in online reviews of the new option. Other than one small $5 bottle of water (I almost choked!), we bought no food or drink during our visit. In an attempt to save at least a few dollars, we brought along a picnic lunch and had to walk outside the park to find the one and only concrete bench near the one and only patch of lawn under the one and only bit of shade where we ate lunch.  

Once back inside the park, as our day progressed I became more and more numb to all of the creative extra costs and charges. In fact, I even began to look for revenue-enhancing opportunities they missed. I imagined the profit possibilities of “accidentally” being pushed into the water at the Shark Encounter. A park employee could be stationed nearby with a credit card reader and laminated menu of rescue options: the Standard Rescue ($50) would take up to 30 minutes before a ladder could be lowered into the tank. Of course, park guests could opt for the Premium Rescue option for only $89.50 and be placed on a priority list for rescue – PLUS!! – receive an 8x10 glossy keepsake photo of the experience to cherish forever. For the best value, however, the popular Rapid Rescue Pass (value-priced at $295) would allow guests to fall into the shark tank at anytime during the calendar year and be rescued immediately. Afterward, guests would enjoy a catered tank-side meal of fish and chips as the same sharks who almost had you for dinner swim slowly by giving rescued guests the stink eye.

And if they use that idea, I want a commission.   

To be fair, the SeaWorld people don’t hang you upside down from a yardarm and shake the money out of your pockets or purses. We certainly had a choice whether or not to pay the money and spend our day there. (It does bring new meaning to the phrase, “spending the day”, doesn’t it?) We also learned that free admission is offered to both military veterans and current service personnel – a wonderful gesture certainly worthy of noting. More importantly, the four of us did have an awesome day – although I’m pretty sure we would have enjoyed ourselves just as much if we’d spent all day at our son’s college talking and drinking coffee.

Then again, the smell of dead sardines on your fingers has to be worth something, right? I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a post of my column first published yesterday, 10.27.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.

Getting Soaked at SeaWorld

On a recent Saturday, my wife and I drove to visit our son and his girlfriend down at the small college they attend just north of San Diego. After a relaxed al fresco breakfast with a side of great conversation, the four of us headed out to spend the unseasonably warm, early Fall day at the SeaWorld amusement park in nearby Mission Bay.

Over the years our family has been to this popular Southern California attraction many times as our kids have grown. We’ve always enjoyed the many live shows featuring killer whales, dolphins, sea lions and even a comedic walrus and sea lion duo. The corny, slapstick jokes (think Benny Hill with flippers) haven’t changed in decades but they’re still just as funny and goofy to see.

One big change we noticed on our latest visit, however, is the trainers in the Shamu “One Ocean” show no longer get into the water with their 12,000 pound, black and white stars – an obvious reaction to the tragic whale-induced drowning of a SeaWorld trainer in Florida last year. Now, rather than having the tractor-trailer-sized whales launch them out of the water while standing on their noses, or riding rodeo-style around the tank on the creatures’ backs – the wet-suit-wearing trainers stay safe and dry on the platform doing a silly, side-to-side shuffle. While they do this nautical line dance, a saccharine-sweet audio track blares its green-world, blue ocean environmental evangelism message about one planet, one ocean, one people, one chance – blah, blah, blah. I started looking for one barf bag as the trainers sang about becoming one with the whales (I could be wrong but I think you have to get into the water with them to do that), one with the lobsters and crabs, sea urchins, clams, jelly fish, seaweed, sand – you get the idea.

The other change we noticed are the many new and ingenious ways SeaWorld has devised to separate guests from their economically challenged, hard-earned dollars. I mean, holy anchovies, don’t these people know there’s a recession going on?

At $14, it’s expensive just to park your car, unless you actually want to park in the same Zip code as SeaWorld, in which case it’ll cost extra for “preferred parking.” But the fleecing has only begun, because the cheapest general admission is now almost $70 per person. That’s a lot of clams.

True, the many delightful animal shows are included with the entrance fee. However, a costly new wrinkle is the availability of an annual “Platinum Pass” which allows you to sit in the better seats at every performance. So what if you planned ahead and showed up a half hour early to get a good seat. Tough tuna. If you don’t pony up (or porpoise up, I suppose) extra cash for the privilege of sitting in the reserved Platinum Zone seats – the majority of which were empty the day we attended, thank you very much – you’re stuck with the proletariat riff raff high up in the stands or far off to the side. Take that, you huddled masses!

SeaWorld has also taken a page from those Master Marketers in Mouse Ears just up the freeway in Anaheim who place souvenir stores in every conceivable location. For example, it’s physically impossible to exit SeaWorld’s Wild Arctic, Turtle Reef, Penguin Encounter or Shark Encounter attractions without be funneled like cattle through a stockyard chute through the middle of a store brimming with plush toys, t-shirts and other silk-screened crapola. Forget the kids. Hold on tight to your wallets.

Oh, and if you get sopping wet (the signs guarantee you will) on the Shipwreck Rapids ride, don’t worry – there are ingenious walk-in drying stations available as you exit. How convenient. How thoughtful. How mercenary. To dry off will cost you another $5 a person. Talk about getting soaked.

I’ll have more thoughts about our SeaWorld experience next week – but don’t worry, there won’t be an extra fee to actually read them. I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a post of my column first published yesterday, 10.20.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.