A Wonder-full Summer

The smoke may have cleared from this week's fireworks extravaganza in the skies above the bucolic suburban valley where I live, but now it’s time to fire off a barrage of mental-mortar rounds from my own smoke-filled mind. Wonder along with me, if you will:   

I wonder … why they give names to hurricanes (alphabetically as the season progresses) but not to tornadoes? Is it because hurricanes go on for many days and a tornado lasts only minutes or hours at most? Come to think of it, why not name earthquakes? That might make them even more memorable. Instead of having survived the Northridge earthquake of ‘94, you could say, “Son, I lived through Earthquake Edna. Now, THAT was a tooth rattler!”

I wonder … how I can score an on-air job at NBC television, then get fired shortly after signing my contract and paid a boatload of cash just to go away? Last week’s news (fantastically welcome, I might add) that Today Show co-anchor, Ann Curry has accepted a $10 million buyout of her three year contract signed only a year ago to leave the show comes after the same network paid former late night host, Conan O’Brien a reported $45 million when it fired him in 2010. Hope the peacock network keeps its checkbook open, ‘cuz my resume’s on the way.

I wonder … how the U.S. has become so morally bankrupt that there are several noisy movements to ban all military recruiters from high schools, but it’s hunky dory for Planned Parenthood to open up branch locations on campus (Roosevelt High in Los Angeles for example) to provide abortion services to minors. Apparently, killing unborn babies is more politically correct than training soldiers to protect our freedoms and vanishing liberties. Here’s a thought: why not train abortionists to infiltrate al Qaeda?

I wonder … with all the bleeding edge, ultra-tech equipment and über-sophisticated methods required to train the world’s best Olympic athletes, why are competitors’ names/numbers still attached to jerseys with safety pins – old world technology first patented in 1849? I mean, can’t somebody design a better attachment device out of carbon fiber, or titanium or even the ubiquitous Velcro? There’s a fortune just waiting to be made, inventors.

I wonder … how New York Nanny … oops, I mean, Mayor Bloomberg thinks he’s going to save his loyal subjects from self-inflicted obesity by banning large-sized soft drinks? So, now New Yorkers will be able walk into any Burger King this summer and order the new bacon-vanilla-caramel-and-fudge sundae (yes, you read that correctly – bacon), but it’s okay, because at least they can only get a small soft drink to go with that artery-clogging combo. And don’t worry that New Yorkers will no longer having anything to put in their vehicles’ cup holders. No siree, Bob. Because even now McDonalds, Popeye’s and others are developing menu items featuring battered and flavored chicken parts with dipping sauces that come in containers designed to fit cup holders for more convenient calorie intake while texting and driving. There’s gonna have to be a new law against driving while bloated.

I wonder … did I hear correctly? After the baby chimpanzee at the L.A. Zoo last week was killed by an older alpha-chimpanzee, grief counselors were provided for zoo patrons who witnessed the display of nature in its often violent reality. Grief counselors? I’ll say it again … grief counselors? Life in the animal kingdom ain’t pretty, folks. They don’t say “it’s a jungle out there” for nothing.

I wonder … if anyone else but me ever worries that their relatives might somehow be featured on a “reality” show on TLC, A&E or the History Channel.  Like Deadliest Ax-Wielding Ice Road Swamp People Cupcake Wars. Or something like that. Even so, I’m sure I’d watch.  

And there you have it – a smattering of post-Fourth pyrotechnic ponderings. Hope there weren’t too many duds in the bunch and that no innocents were harmed. 

I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a version of my column first published yesterday, 7.5.12, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper.

© 2012 WordChaser, Inc.

Wondering All Over the Map

I often wonder if other people wonder about so many different things like I do on any given day. How bad is it? Well, here are just a few musings from my personal wonderland of late:

I wonder …  how much money AT&T and Charter waste on my mailing address alone each month? A week hasn’t gone by for as long as I can remember that I don’t receive two or three solicitations in the mail for this U-verse bundle or that Charter package. Here’s an idea; why not bundle up the cost of wasted paper and postage and have these relentless marketers subtract it from my monthly bill?

I wonder …  why the price of gas jumps up by three or four cents a gallon overnight, but when it goes down, it’s more like seven-tenths of one cent over a week or longer. The least the oil refiners could do is buy us dinner first.

I wonder … why left-leaning pundits and professors are quick to say that all cultures and faiths are equally important and have something to offer. And yet, these same counter-culture educators, protestors, peaceniks, alternative lifestylers and other aggressively anti-conservative activists would be the first ones on a long list of people and groups to be silenced and locked up (or worse) if those same supposedly egalitarian cultures and/or religions ever establish a majority foothold in America. As for me and my house, I fervently pray that we as a country wake up and not only appreciate, but promote and teach our Western values and traditional American liberties before they’re taken from us either by force, fiat, foreign zealots, activist judges or power-drunk fundamentally transforming socialist politicians. One and done, folks. One and done.

I wonder …  who, if anyone, bought the 6.20 carat diamond solitaire ring I saw available at Costco.com recently for $1 million? What do you think that conversation would go like? “Sweetcakes, I love you so much, I got you a little something. Now, don’t worry, it was only a million bucks at Costco. Oh, and I picked up some more toilet paper, dish soap and a big honkin’ bottle of fish oil capsules, too.” Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? Then again, I’m an incurable romantic.

I wonder …  if I’ll ever be at an economic place that I don’t start laughing hysterically when I get an unsolicited email blast about special jet discounts now available for all my private aviation needs. If these people knew that the only “flying” I’m likely to do these days is off the second story balcony of my home office when I can’t figure out how to pay the bills any given week. Sigh. It is fun to dream, though.

I wonder …  why I’ve never before heard the term “haboob” to describe the massive sand storms that roll across the summer landscape in Arizona. This seems to be the year of the haboob – and I’m not talking about our current Vice President. Rim shot!

I wonder …  how I can ever thank the star-makers at NBC News enough for promoting Ann Curry, the former overly empathetic, drippingly sentimental and hyper-politically correct news-reader on their flagship TODAY Show, to her new position of co-couch-sitter alongside Matt Lauer. I now have one less weekday morning distraction and am able to work on pressing projects much sooner than I used to. Not that the über-liberal Ms. Curry is ideologically any different from her predecessors, Meredith Viera and that irrepressible cheerleader for all left-leaning causes, Katie Couric. Heavens, no. It’s just that Ms. Curry’s interviews and “reportage” drip so heavily with breathless sincerity, hand-wringing angst and feigned concern, she routinely gets in the way of her stories and subject matter. The power-off button on my remote is so much easier to push on now.

Whew. See what I mean? It’s a wonder I get anything done. I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a repost of my edited column first published yesterday, 9.1.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.

N-B-C-you later!

I can never thank the decision-makers at NBC News enough for promoting Ann Curry -- the former overly empathetic and hyper-politically correct news-reader on their flagship TODAY Show -- to her new position of co-couch-sitter with Matt Lauer. Now I have considerably less distraction on weekday mornings and am able to get to work on pressing projects much sooner than I used to.


Not that the über-liberal Ms. Curry is ideologically any different than her predecessors, Meredith Viera or that irrepressible cheerleader for all left-leaning causes, Katie Couric. Heavens, no.


It’s just that Ms. Curry’s interviews and “reportage” drip so heavily with breathless sincerity, hand-wringing angst and feigned concern, she routinely gets in the way of her stories and subject matter. Watching her in action feels like pushing a Prius with discharged batteries through a swamp of whipped Crisco and honey mixed with buckets of crocodile tears. Yuck.


The power-off button on the remote is suddenly much easier to push on weekday mornings. To quote Jimmy Fallon, another personality on the same network but at opposite ends of the broadcast day; “Thank you, NBC!”