Friday, October 28, 2011

A Whale of an Expensive Day

Welcome back. Okay, where were we last week? ("Getting Soaked at SeaWorld" CV Weekly, 10/20/11) Oh, yes … outside the exit to SeaWorld’s Shipwreck Rapids ride discussing the $5-a-pop walk-in “drying stations.” It’s actually an ingenious set up – first you soak shivering riders to the bone, then offer them immediate relief, for a price.

You’ve gotta give the SeaWorld people credit (but I’m sure they’d take cash). Because they’ve done everything possible to make sure you don’t leave the park at the end of the day with even loose change in your pockets. For example, overlooking one point in the same Shipwreck Rapids ride, spectators can push a big button to spray the riders on the rapids below with water jets that increase the wet factor. Mischievous fun, right? Sure, but you pay for that privilege too, at 25-cents a spray. See what I mean?

Want to feed tiny dead anchovies to the seals or dolphins? Who wouldn’t. Just plunk down $6 for a paper tray holding five, count ‘em, five of the little fishies no bigger than your little finger. For the mathematically challenged, that’s $1.20 per slimy sea lion snack. Can you say insane profit margin, boys and girls? So where’s the “Occupy SeaWorld” movement?

As for people food, a SeaWorld food pass costs $30 per person and allows you to eat all you want throughout the park, but only at certain concession stands – not at all of the in-park restaurants – or at least that’s what I read in online reviews of the new option. Other than one small $5 bottle of water (I almost choked!), we bought no food or drink during our visit. In an attempt to save at least a few dollars, we brought along a picnic lunch and had to walk outside the park to find the one and only concrete bench near the one and only patch of lawn under the one and only bit of shade where we ate lunch.  

Once back inside the park, as our day progressed I became more and more numb to all of the creative extra costs and charges. In fact, I even began to look for revenue-enhancing opportunities they missed. I imagined the profit possibilities of “accidentally” being pushed into the water at the Shark Encounter. A park employee could be stationed nearby with a credit card reader and laminated menu of rescue options: the Standard Rescue ($50) would take up to 30 minutes before a ladder could be lowered into the tank. Of course, park guests could opt for the Premium Rescue option for only $89.50 and be placed on a priority list for rescue – PLUS!! – receive an 8x10 glossy keepsake photo of the experience to cherish forever. For the best value, however, the popular Rapid Rescue Pass (value-priced at $295) would allow guests to fall into the shark tank at anytime during the calendar year and be rescued immediately. Afterward, guests would enjoy a catered tank-side meal of fish and chips as the same sharks who almost had you for dinner swim slowly by giving rescued guests the stink eye.

And if they use that idea, I want a commission.   

To be fair, the SeaWorld people don’t hang you upside down from a yardarm and shake the money out of your pockets or purses. We certainly had a choice whether or not to pay the money and spend our day there. (It does bring new meaning to the phrase, “spending the day”, doesn’t it?) We also learned that free admission is offered to both military veterans and current service personnel – a wonderful gesture certainly worthy of noting. More importantly, the four of us did have an awesome day – although I’m pretty sure we would have enjoyed ourselves just as much if we’d spent all day at our son’s college talking and drinking coffee.

Then again, the smell of dead sardines on your fingers has to be worth something, right? I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a post of my column first published yesterday, 10.27.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Getting Soaked at SeaWorld

On a recent Saturday, my wife and I drove to visit our son and his girlfriend down at the small college they attend just north of San Diego. After a relaxed al fresco breakfast with a side of great conversation, the four of us headed out to spend the unseasonably warm, early Fall day at the SeaWorld amusement park in nearby Mission Bay.

Over the years our family has been to this popular Southern California attraction many times as our kids have grown. We’ve always enjoyed the many live shows featuring killer whales, dolphins, sea lions and even a comedic walrus and sea lion duo. The corny, slapstick jokes (think Benny Hill with flippers) haven’t changed in decades but they’re still just as funny and goofy to see.

One big change we noticed on our latest visit, however, is the trainers in the Shamu “One Ocean” show no longer get into the water with their 12,000 pound, black and white stars – an obvious reaction to the tragic whale-induced drowning of a SeaWorld trainer in Florida last year. Now, rather than having the tractor-trailer-sized whales launch them out of the water while standing on their noses, or riding rodeo-style around the tank on the creatures’ backs – the wet-suit-wearing trainers stay safe and dry on the platform doing a silly, side-to-side shuffle. While they do this nautical line dance, a saccharine-sweet audio track blares its green-world, blue ocean environmental evangelism message about one planet, one ocean, one people, one chance – blah, blah, blah. I started looking for one barf bag as the trainers sang about becoming one with the whales (I could be wrong but I think you have to get into the water with them to do that), one with the lobsters and crabs, sea urchins, clams, jelly fish, seaweed, sand – you get the idea.

The other change we noticed are the many new and ingenious ways SeaWorld has devised to separate guests from their economically challenged, hard-earned dollars. I mean, holy anchovies, don’t these people know there’s a recession going on?

At $14, it’s expensive just to park your car, unless you actually want to park in the same Zip code as SeaWorld, in which case it’ll cost extra for “preferred parking.” But the fleecing has only begun, because the cheapest general admission is now almost $70 per person. That’s a lot of clams.

True, the many delightful animal shows are included with the entrance fee. However, a costly new wrinkle is the availability of an annual “Platinum Pass” which allows you to sit in the better seats at every performance. So what if you planned ahead and showed up a half hour early to get a good seat. Tough tuna. If you don’t pony up (or porpoise up, I suppose) extra cash for the privilege of sitting in the reserved Platinum Zone seats – the majority of which were empty the day we attended, thank you very much – you’re stuck with the proletariat riff raff high up in the stands or far off to the side. Take that, you huddled masses!

SeaWorld has also taken a page from those Master Marketers in Mouse Ears just up the freeway in Anaheim who place souvenir stores in every conceivable location. For example, it’s physically impossible to exit SeaWorld’s Wild Arctic, Turtle Reef, Penguin Encounter or Shark Encounter attractions without be funneled like cattle through a stockyard chute through the middle of a store brimming with plush toys, t-shirts and other silk-screened crapola. Forget the kids. Hold on tight to your wallets.

Oh, and if you get sopping wet (the signs guarantee you will) on the Shipwreck Rapids ride, don’t worry – there are ingenious walk-in drying stations available as you exit. How convenient. How thoughtful. How mercenary. To dry off will cost you another $5 a person. Talk about getting soaked.

I’ll have more thoughts about our SeaWorld experience next week – but don’t worry, there won’t be an extra fee to actually read them. I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a post of my column first published yesterday, 10.20.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Weather Weenies

With the unexpectedly heavy rains of last week, we’ve had our first official taste of,  well, something other than summer. Granted, our true winter season, for what it’s worth, is likely to still be at least two or three months off and may not bring with it another rainstorm even as impressive as the one last week. And true to So Cal form, we went from a chilly but welcome mid-60s couple of days to a triple digit heat wave in the span of less than a week. Don’t get me started.

Be that as it may, you didn’t need to be out in our recent, short-lived inclement weather incident to know that a storm was predicted, was on its way, was almost here, had “drenched” the San Francisco Bay area, was now “hammering” Santa Barbara County, then was “raging” through Ventura County and soon to “burst upon the scene” in Northern Los Angeles County. You couldn’t possibly missed have missed it. Our local TV stations cover a rain storm like nowhere else on the planet. Seriously. To watch the televised “StormWatch!!” or “StormTracker!!” or “Wild Weather!!” coverage of any given rain incident, you’d think Southern California was regularly in the path of record-breaking monsoons.

Let’s face it. Southern Californians are certifiable weather weenies.

Just last week, TV news crews were deployed to locations across the city to set up their live shots of raindrops hitting a sidewalk, pedestrians stampeding for cover to escape the moisture, or a car tire splashing dramatically through a pothole filled with …. gasp … water!!! Breathless reporters decked out head-to-toe in network-issued arctic survival gear did man-on-the-street interviews to get spontaneous reactions to the horrific onslaught of wild winter weather.

Out-of-town visitors to Southern California are often highly amused by our hyperactive media coverage of even the slightest cold snap or rainfall. In other parts of the country, rain is rain. Clouds are clouds. They gather, drop some rain on the ground, it runs off or soaks into the dirt and the sun comes back out. Things dry out. Flowers grow. Life goes on. Not here, where even the slightest amount of rain (even if it’s only predicted!) qualifies as a big news story.

However, as expected as the saturated (pun intended) news coverage of a Southern California rainstorm might be, there’s another, more dangerous certainty that arrives with each and every storm. It’s the certainty of rain-caused traffic accidents on our local highways and byways (whatever a ‘byway’ is). That’s because as rainy day drivers, we’re a slippery bunch.

Last Wednesday, I drove to a mid-morning client meeting in Pasadena just as the storm was hitting its stride. On the short drive from La Crescenta to Old Town, I counted a solo car spinout on La Crescenta Avenue, another solo accident into the freeway divider at the always-flooded section of the 210 freeway near the Ocean View overpass, another one-car wreck near the Gould Avenue off ramp, a multiple car smash up on the westbound side of the freeway just before the Arroyo Seco bridge, another solo car wipe out near Lincoln Ave. and then, the mother of all freeway follies, a jackknifed big rig blocking all lanes of the heavily traveled westbound 134/210 transition.

In other words, just another rainy day demolition derby on Southern California streets. It made me wonder once again why local drivers can’t handle even a little rain? Maybe it’s those mysterious, back-and-forth wiper thingies that mesmerize drivers when they suddenly come to life before their eyes. Or it could be that the cloudy skies make it too dark to read and send text messages while we’re driving.

Whatever it is, the Auto Club even has a dedicated web page to try and educate So Cal drivers about how to drive in the rain. Good luck. The site recommends taking specific precautions, including; 1. slow down; 2. leave more distance between cars; 3. drive in the center lane, and; 4. avoid distractions (like big rigs and concrete bridge pillars!)

I have a better idea; just stay home and watch the Eyewitless Doppler 10,000 team coverage of the storm. I promise it will be more entertaining and – except for the occasional tragic umbrella malfunction – hardly anyone ever gets hurt.

I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a revised version of my column first published yesterday, 10.13.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Fly Guy

One of the cool things about living where I do – at least for an adrenaline-addict like me – is our close proximity to many private airports. Growing up here in the greater Los Angeles area, my siblings and I were some of the very lucky few of our friends and schoolmates who had the regular privilege of seeing our hometown from the perspective of a thousand feet above. That’s because, while some kids’ dads had a hot rod parked in the garage or a ski boat docked on a trailer in their driveway, mine was a part-owner of a sleek white, black and yellow, “v-tail” Beechcraft Bonanza airplane. Boo-yah.

I would always look forward to the weeks when it was my Dad’s “turn in the bucket” as he would call his every-three-weeks turn to fly the fast, low-wing, single-engine plane – with which he shared ownership with two other pilot friends. Driving out La Tuna Canyon Road and over to the private terminal at the Hollywood-Burbank airport early on Saturday mornings became a much anticipated ritual of my youth.

The excitement would build as we walked out from the PAC terminal to where the small Beech was tied-down across the field from where all the huge PSA Airlines jets were parked at their gates, smiles painted on the noses of the planes and stewardesses strutting up the mobile stairways in their hot pink mini-dresses. Did those PSA commercials really feature the stewardesses looking at the camera and saying, “Fly me!”? We’ve come a long way, baby.

Upon reaching the spot where our plane was tied down, we would nervously fidget and chatter at each other as Dad would unsnap the silver cloth cover from our plane’s windshield, do his walkaround to check the tires, inspect the edges of the propeller, and make sure the flaps, ailerons, and elevator/rudders moved freely. He would check the dipstick on the plane’s two wing tanks to see that they were both topped off with fuel, then climb up into the cockpit, take his seat and yell out to us to get in and buckle up.

After turning on the plane’s avionics, checking radio communication with the control tower and making sure the many gauges were operating properly, he’d open up a small side window on the pilot’s side of the cockpit, yell out, “Prop clear!” and fire up the engine.

The thrill of watching that big propeller slowly begin spinning and quickly turn into a round blur at the front of the plane was like nothing else. Better than riding my dirt bike in the hills above Gorman. Better than playing my Slingerland drum set in a rock n’ roll band at a high school dance. Better than kissing Lynn Kennedy in the sunroom at the back of her parent’s house. Okay, maybe not better than that.

If I close my eyes and listen to the memories, I can still hear my Dad talking on the radio as clearly as if it were yesterday, “Burbank tower, this is Bonanza six-two-one-victor requesting clearance for takeoff on runway eight-two-six.” What I wouldn’t give to hear that again.

Taking off to the West, it always struck me as morbidly funny that the first thing departing aircraft would fly over was a vast, green cemetery. Looking down at all the tiny tombstones as we climbed away from the airport, I’d sometimes wonder how ironic it would be if a plane crashed on takeoff right smack dab into the cemetery. I actually remember thinking (in a way that only a young teenage boy’s mind could possibly think) that it would be a real time saver as far as funerals and burials would go. 

Once in the air, we’d gain altitude over the homes and small businesses dotting the Burbank and east San Fernando Valley communities, watching them become smaller and smaller the higher we flew.

I loved being along for the ride when Dad would practice ‘touch-and-go” landings at the smaller, nearby Van Nuys airport which did not have any commercial air traffic. He’d line our plane up on approach to the runway, slow to landing speed, briefly let the wheels touch the runway surface, then immediately throttle up and take off again and climb back into the skies above the valley. Big, big fun.

A few times that I remember, my Dad would get an early morning call (I never knew who from) and we’d quickly drive out to the airport to join other volunteer pilots on flyover searches for downed planes in the local or San Bernardino mountains. As much as we didn’t want to see a wrecked plane in the forests and steep, rocky canyons below, the excitement of those searches was undeniable. 

The only time I was less-than-thrilled to fly was when my younger sister would come along with us. That’s because she would often wait until we reached cruising altitude high over the Mojave desert or Antelope Valley and then plead with our Dad to “Stall the plane, Dad! Stall it!” He would then purposely put the plane into a too slow, too-steep climb angle that would set off a series of frighteningly loud stall warning alarms inside the small cabin and ultimately end with the lift disappearing from under the wings, the nose suddenly pitching to the right and then pointing straight at the ground rushing up from below.

There’s a good reason our plane had barf bags at every seat. My palms are sweaty just remembering those episodes. Dad was an excellent pilot, of course, and would always guide the plane out of the stall effortlessly, all the while chuckling at my wide eyes, pasty complexion and death-grip on the armrests of my seat.

It’s been nearly 40 years since I last flew in that plane with my Dad, who would often take it up to cruising altitude far away from the crowded airspace over the Los Angeles basin, then swing the control yoke over to the passenger side where one of us kids was sitting, take his hands off the wheel and matter-of-factly announce, “You’ve got control. Watch for other aircraft and don’t crash.” Gulp. Each of the two front seats had a set of control pedals, so whomever had the wheel was flying the plane. We always knew he would quickly take the wheel back if there was trouble, but it could be a nerve-wracking experience nonetheless in any turbulence or stormy conditions.

Sadly, my Dad gave up flying many years prior to his eventual passing. And although getting my fixed wing pilot’s license has been high up on my various bucket lists over the years, most of the flying I’ve done since then has been in commercial jets. Now, I realize there are many for whom flying in even a huge airliner is a nerve-rattling experience. But trust me when I say – compared to flying in a small, single-engine plane, it’s like the difference between driving the Angeles Crest highway in a school bus vs. a Lamborghini Murcielago. There’s simply nothing like the thrill of a small plane.

At least that’s what I thought until this past weekend. Turns out there’s something even better.

On Friday, Steve Goldsworthy, Vice-president of the CV Town Council and husband of CV Weekly Publisher/Editor Robin Goldsworthy sent me a Facebook message saying he had the keys to a gleaming metallic blue, Robinson R44 helicopter in his back pocket and would I like to ride shotgun on a weekend flight? I couldn’t say “Yes!” fast enough and woke at the butt crack of dawn last Sunday to meet him out at Whiteman Airport near Hansen Dam.

Lifting off from the tie-down pad alongside the airport’s main runway, I could only think that this is what being a bird must feel like.

We flew low and slow, as only a helicopter can do, above the San Fernando Valley, the Sepulveda Pass and the Santa Monica mountains, pier and coastline. Flying low over beaches not yet populated with sunbathers but only the occasional dog walker and surfers on dawn patrol, we continued north along the coast, then turned inland to skim the rooftops of the mansions and hillside hideaways of Malibu and Topanga Canyons.

The too-short morning flight did more than bring back happy memories from my youth. It also reignited my lifelong passion for flying. Sure, I’ve enjoyed the typical overly choreographed, predictable helicopter tours of the Hawaiian islands before. But those have always been in much larger, highly soundproofed, luxuriously appointed, tourist-friendly helicopters.

In other words, somewhat boring – at least when compared to soaring over the Southland in the small, agile, four-seater bird piloted by Steve Goldsworthy. It was a flying experience unlike any other I’ve had. I felt like that goofy, ear-to-ear grinning teenager again with all of life ahead of me and the cares of the every day world far below me. Sigh.     

I can’t thank “Goldy” enough for the high-flying fun last weekend. And I may just have to revisit that bucket list of mine. I’ll see you ‘round town.

Note: This is a longer version of my column first published yesterday, 10.6.11, in the Crescenta Valley Weekly newspaper (cvweekly.com).

© 2011 WordChaser, Inc.